Day 1: V-Day

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So something weird happened to me last night and I'm just trying to deal. Went to the bathroom this morning to find that I suddenly possessed the aiming ability of a defective garden sprinkler. Soon thereafter I discovered that a super important body part of mine had gone missing. Maybe it went for a midnight stroll and fell into a pond? Decided to seek medical attention. Had an awkward discussion with the school nurse. Didn't tell her what really happened. I will remain elusive. Chelsea Carr walked by my locker today and we made meaningful eye contact. At least I think it was meaningful. I dunno, I'm confused. Maybe this is just a bad dream. I'm sure everything will be back to normal tomorrow.

Day 2: It's still here

Still in possession of girl parts "down under." No, not Australia. During lunch, Bryan and the guys were being gross. It was like watching Vikings eat with their feet at an all-you-can eat country buffet. Open mouths, talking and chewing at high volume, food flying everywhere. They pooled some money together to get me to eat a meatball and ice cream sandwich sandwich. That's just stupid.

Day 3: Men Are Pigs

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Tried to hold it at school but my bladder finally said "Uncle." Walked up to the urinals then remembered I had a vagina. Went into a stall, pee everywhere. Yuck. Did my best and hovered like a girl, which on the plus side gave my quads a workout. Ladies, on behalf of guys everywhere, I apologize for every ounce of urine we have left on a toilet seat. That's a lot of urine and a lot of apologizing. Moving forward fellas, can we please work on our aim? Or better yet, lift up the seat before you tinkle.

Day 4: Lost & Not Found

Maybe this is cosmic payback for all those years of being a jerk to my little sister Chrissie? When she was 5, I twisted the head off one of her dolls and superglued it to the ceiling fan. She cried for 3 days. The doll head is still there.

There's a lost and found box in the principal's office. I haven't checked to see if anyone's turned in my missing guy parts. It's not like I can ask "Have you seen my thing? I could've sworn I left it in my backpack."

"Think back. Where was the last place you remember seeing it?" People always say that when you lose stuff and it never helps.

If I asked my buddy Bryan, he'd help me look for like 10 seconds. He'd lift up a couch cushion or two, then get bored and eat a ham sandwich. When it's not your stuff, nobody cares. Unless there's a cash reward. Or it's a little kid who falls into a well. Then everybody's on the case.

That said, if you happen to stumble across my missing parts, please contact me immediately.

Day 6: The Joy of Baking

My sister Chrissie and I have a love-hate-mostly hate relationship. But since I changed down there we've been kind of bonding. I bet if I told her my secret she'd be totally supportive.

Last night, we watched another movie and baked a carrot cake. Yummy! The movie was about a dog (Jack Russell Terrier) who accidentally jumps on a freight train and ends up 3,000 miles from home. To be reunited with his family, the dog has to make a treacherous journey across North America. On the way, he uses his martial arts skills to fight a mountain lion (yes, the dog knows judo) and while riding the rails, a hobo teaches him how to whistle. Finally, he hitches a ride with a kind-hearted trucker and is reunited with his family. It was sweet. It'd be nice if that happened to me except the dog was my wayward guy parts.

Good news: we won our soccer game yesterday. And I held my own on defense. But when the other team took a free kick, I almost forgot to cover myself up down there. Oops.

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